Operation Just Because
by MrPresident
Summary: *Updated* Even more stuff happens. Now entering farce-controlled land, please stick to approved routes and no making fun of the monkeys whatsoever.
1. The Larch

Operation Just Because

Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer to disclaim the disclaimer that I claimed that I disclaimed what I previously did not disclaim but perhaps should have disclaimed. So I disclaim what I did not claim but do not claim that which I disclaim. That which I claim to disclaim is another question all together. Suffice to say that this disclaimer is a claim to disclaim that, which needs to be disclaim but not disclaim or claim that, which does not need to be claimed or disclaimed. Simple.

Setting: New York, New York. So good they named it twice. Or alternatively so bad they warn you twice. Either way works for me, at minimum wage as well. I should perhaps warn you at this point. Warning. Okay, now that is done onto the story…

The story so far…Someone wrote 'the story so far'. Then someone wrote that someone wrote 'the story so far'. Then someone wrote that someone wrote that someone wrote 'the story so far'. Then someone got hit by a herring…Hit by a herring? …Ouch! 

****

Chapter One – The Larch 

[Setting: Ross/Rachel's apartment]

Ross: What do you mean it's my fault? Rachel: I don't know, maybe I mean it is your fault! Ross: How is it my fault? 

Rachel: It's always your fault.

Ross: Exactly.

Rachel: What?

Ross: It's always my fault.

Rachel: Yeah…?

Ross: Exactly.

Rachel: What?

Ross: It's always my fault.

Rachel: Okay, I just got a sense of déjà vu.

Ross: Me too.

Rachel: What were we arguing about?

Ross: …I don't know.

Rachel: Wasn't it about you being at fault?

Ross: But I'm always at fault.

Rachel: Exactly.

Ross: What?

Rachel: It's always your fault.

Ross: Exactly.

Rachel: So…we're in agreement?

Ross: …I think so.

Rachel: …O...Kay…

Ross: We really need to get out more.

Rachel: Yeah.

*****

[Setting: Joey's apartment]

Chandler: You want another beer?

Joey: Yeah.

[Chandler picks up phone]

Chandler: Hi, Mon. Can you bring us two beers?

Joey: And some chips.

Chandler: And some chips.

Joey: And pizza.

Chandler: And pizza.

Joey: And…

Chandler: Do you want to talk to her?

Joey: She's your wife.

Chandler: Fine…You want anything else?

Joey: Let me think…[Long pause]…No.

Chandler: Okay…She hung up.

Joey: She hung up?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Does that mean she isn't bringing the food?

*****

[Setting: Monica/Chandler's apartment]

Monica: I can't believe those guys.

Phoebe: The A-Team? 

Monica: …No…Chandler and Joey.

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: They act like I'm their servant. Someone to bring them food and beer, clean up after them and…and…do other servant things.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: Baking them a pie.

Phoebe: And the mop?

Monica: It's just they leave such a mess.

Phoebe: [Whipping sound]

Monica: Excuse me?

Phoebe: [Louder whipping sound]

Monica: And what is that supposed to mean?

Phoebe: Do I have to draw you a diagram? [Even louder whipping sound]

Monica: Okay repeating it doesn't make it any easier to understand.

Phoebe: [Several whipping sounds]

Monica: You think Joey and Chandler take me for granted?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: They don't…do they?

Phoebe: [Whipping sound]

Monica: OH MY GOD! They do!

Phoebe: It's not your fault. You're just servant material.

Monica: I am not!

Phoebe: Pass me that spoon.

[Monica hands Phoebe the spoon]

Phoebe: See.

Monica: I am such a servant. Phoebe, you got to help me?

Phoebe: But I wanted to go the park and shout at the kids who chase the birds.

Monica: Phebs…

Phoebe: Fine.

Monica: So…What should I do?

Phoebe: I thinking…

[Several seconds of thinking later]

Monica: …Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: You're sitting on my oven gloves.

[Phoebe jumps up]

Phoebe: Ooh! I got it! 

[Monica grabs the oven gloves]

Phoebe: We prank them.

Monica: Prank them?

Phoebe: Yeah, we prank them so that they won't take you for granted anymore.

Monica: Not really seeing the connection.

Phoebe: I'll draw some diagrams.

[Some diagram drawing later]

Monica: Ooohh...We prank them.

Phoebe: Exactly.

**_Author's Note: End of Chapter One. For those wanting another chapter please review at the bottom. For those not wanting another chapter please review at the bottom. For those wanting to know who shot J.F.K, J.R. and my milkman then please review at the bottom. For those feeling left out, lonely or depressed please don't go up any tall building and review at the bottom. For those still reading this please review at the bottom. For those of you who found that...'object' in…that 'place'…it's not mine, you can't prove it's my fault and I have never seen it before in my life. For those who want to know the meaning of life please review at the bottom. For those gullible members of you please review at the bottom and send your life savings to me. For the rest of you please review at the bottom. For those of you who don't want to review…[censored for use of language and imagery it creates…the sheep was completely unnecessary if you ask me]…with a melon._**


	2. The Ignominious Chapter

Operation Just Because

Warning - This is a warning about the previous chapter. DO NOT READ IT AT ANY COST! It will warp your fragile little minds. What I suggest is that you skip over that chapter and go straight to this one. Though don't read this entire chapter. Read only those parts approved by the 'We Want to Shield You from the Real World Association for the Controlling, Power-Hungry and Easily Shocked (WWSYFRWACPHES or WWSYFWACM for short).

Chapter Two – The Ignominious Chapter

****

[Setting: Ross' apartment]

[Emma is crying]

Rachel: Ross? …Ross? …Ross!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Emma's crying.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: It's your turn.

Ross: Err…No, no it's not.

Rachel: Err…Yes, yes it is.

Ross: If you remember it was my turn last night.

Rachel: I don't remember that. What I do remember is me having to get up last night and look after Emma because you were asleep.

Ross: I got up last night to look after Emma.

Rachel: I don't think you did.

Ross: I did!

Rachel: So did I!

Ross: What time did you get up?

Rachel: I don't know. What time did you get up?

Ross: I don't know either.

Rachel: Ross, you obviously got up before me.

Ross: Why is that obvious?

Rachel: Because when you're asleep you don't wake up until morning no matter what.

Ross: That's not true.

Rachel: Remember the night in the cabin?

Ross: Hey! That was only one time and how was I to know bats did that sort of thing?

Rachel: All I'm saying is that you're a girly man who needs his beauty sleep.

Ross: Well, what about that time I accidentally set off the fire alarm.

Rachel: I had taken some sleeping tablets thinking they were aspirin, remember?

Ross: Oh yeah.

Rachel: And you didn't accidentally set off the fire alarm. You were trying to melt one of your toy models for…for…why were you doing that?

Ross: I had my reasons. Anyway none of this helps decide whose turn it is? 

Rachel: It's your turn.  

Ross: Is not.

Rachel: Ross, you are being so childish.

Ross: Am not!

Rachel: Listen, how about you do it this time and I'll do it next time?

Ross: Okay, that seems fair and…wait a minute…there is a catch, isn't there?

Rachel: Catch?

Ross: There is something about this that isn't right.

Rachel: Ross, you're being paranoid.

Ross: Am I? Am I!

Rachel: …Yes.

Ross: There is no way you are going to offer to do your fair share.

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Err…Rach…

Rachel: Yeah…okay. But it's not my fault when you keep inventing things for me to do.

Ross: Like what?

Rachel: Like…like…like taking out the trash.

Ross: What?

Rachel: You say I have to take out the trash when you know that the trash man does that.

Ross: The trash man?

Rachel: Yeah, the guy who comes and takes the trash away…the trash man!

Ross: Okay, you've lost me.

Rachel: Whenever the bin gets full the trash man comes and empties it.

Ross: Where was this?

Rachel: Monica's.

Ross: O…Kay…

Rachel: What?

Ross: When you were living with Joey did the trash man come less often?

Rachel: …Yeah. Sometimes he wouldn't come for days…how did you know that?

Ross: Just a lucky guess. 

Rachel: …So…taking out the trash is a job you invented because the trash man does it.

Ross: Well Rach, in this building we don't have a trash man so you have to take out the trash yourself.

Rachel: No trash man?

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: This building sucks.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Anyway it's still not fair.

Ross: What isn't?

Rachel: You complaining I don't do any work.

Ross: You don't.

Rachel: Yeah…well…maybe if I knew what my jobs were I would do them.

Ross: I knew this would happen. I should have kept those charts.

Rachel: Oh God! Not the charts, again.

Ross: They were good charts!

Rachel: Ross, just go look after Emma.

Ross: All right, fine. [Ross picks up Emma] Hmm…What's that smell?

Author's note: I hope that you haven't killed yourself whilst reading this chapter since then I may be liable for manslaughter and I don't want any of that, especially after last time. So remember, be safe and don't sue me whatever you or one of the voices in your head think I have done. Thank you and don't sue me.


	3. If I Had A Penny For Everytime I Said Pe...

**Chapter 3 - If I Had A Penny For Everytime I Said Penny, I Would Have Tuppence By Now.**   
  
**[Setting: Monica and Chandler's apartment]**   
  
[Joey and Chandler enter]   
  
Joey: I'm telling you from a certain angle you can see everything.   
  
Chandler: Dude, I don't want to hear that...What angle?   
  
Joey: Well...Hey, what's that?   
  
Chandler: ...Paper, it's this new invention to write stuff down on.   
  
Joey: Oh my God. I think Monica and Phoebe are planning to prank on us.   
  
Chandler: Why do you think that?   
  
Joey: This paper is entitled, 'Monica and Phoebe's prank to play on Chandler and Joey'.   
  
Chandler: What's the prank?   
  
Joey: I'm not sure but if this is what I think it is then those two are really dirty.   
  
Chandler: Give me that. [Chandler grabs the piece of paper] That's just a chair.   
  
Joey: Oh.   
  
Chandler: It seems like they plan on glueing us to our chairs during either a poker game or an alien abduction.   
  
Joey: Why would they want to prank us? And with such a crappy prank?   
  
Chandler: ...Oh! It's probably because of that time we pretended to fake our own deaths go watch the Knicks.   
  
Joey: You told her about that?   
  
Chandler: No, she guessed I was still alive.   
  
Joey: Damn, she's smart.   
  
Chandler: Everyone's smart to you, Joe.   
  
Joey: What's that?   
  
Chandler: Nothing.   
  
Joey: I heard something.   
  
Chandler: ...Probably just a squirrel.   
  
Joey: ...Okay.   
  
Chandler: So what do we do about the prank?   
  
Joey: The only thing we can do, counter-prank them.   
  
Chandler: Counter-prank?   
  
Joey: Yeah. They think they are going to prank us so we play along but we reverse the prank so they are the ones who get pranked.   
  
Chandler: Oh, I like it, I like it a lot. Finally I'll be able to beat Monica at something...   
  
Joey: Dude, you'll never beat her at anything.   
  
Chandler: Yeah, I know.   
  
******* **   
  
**[Setting: Somewhere in New York]**   
  
[Monica and Phoebe are walking down an anoymonous street]   
  
Monica: You think they fell for it?   
  
Phoebe: Sure...Now is it me or is that guy checking me out?   
  
Monica: Phoebe, that's a tramp. A really smelly tramp.   
  
Phoebe: I bet under all that hair he's a sex monster.   
  
Monica: I'm not sure that is hair...Argh! It's moving!   
  
[Monica runs away. Phoebe stays a moment and stares at the tramp then walks after Monica]   
  
*********   
  
**[Setting: Ross and Rachael's apartment]**   
  
Ross: Shouldn't we be doing something?   
  
Rachael: Yeah, I think we should.   
  
  
  
**_Author's Note: End of this chapter. Not much of a chapter, I know, but then I don't really care what you think. Please review at the bottom. _**


	4. Time Is Never Wasted, It Drinks Responsi...

**Chapter Four - Time Is Never Wasted, It Drinks Responsibility.**

****

Philosophy question of the week: If you fart in the middle of a wood and no one is there to smell it, is it still funny?

[Setting: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

[Monica is setting the table and Phoebe is looking out the window]

Phoebe: I miss ugly naked guy.

Monica: Yeah, it's just not a good evening without being made violently sick.

Phoebe: Yeah. 

Monica : Are you sure this is going to work?

Phoebe: ...Uh-huh.

Monica: You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Phoebe: Uh-huh...no.

Monica: The prank? 

Phoebe: Oh, the prank...

Monica: With the glue?

Phoebe: Ah, the glue...

Monica: Do you want me to tell you the prank, again?

Phoebe: No...yes.

Monica: We put glue on our chairs, the boys thinking the glue is on their chairs will switch them and hey presto! Sweet revenge.

Phoebe: That's a good prank.

Monica: You came up with it.

Phoebe: Man, I'm smart.

Monica: ...Yeah.

*****

[Setting: Joey's apartment]

[Chandler and Joey are watching television]

Joey: Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live inside the TV?

Chandler: ...No.

[Ross enters]

Ross: Hey.

Joey & Chandler: Hey!

Ross: What ya watching?

Chandler: We're not exactly sure but we think she is just about to take her clothes off.

Ross: ...Okay.

[All three watch the TV]

[Woman on the TV is shot]

[Ross, Chandler and Joey are shocked]

Joey: Oh man, now she's never going to take off her clothes. Unless...Nope, never.

Chandler: So what's up with you? Baby keeping you up at night?

Ross: No, that's Rachel.

Joey: Oh, really...

Ross: Not like that.

Joey: [Disappointed] Oh.

Ross: She never gets up during the night. It's always up to me.

Chandler: Have you tried pretending to be asleep?

Ross: That doesn't work, she just holds my nose until I choke.

Joey: How about just telling her it's her turn to get up?

Ross: Have you met Rachel?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Ross: What should I do?

Chandler: I don't know...Maybe you go on a "business trip". That way Rachel would be forced to look after Emma.

Ross: Business trip? Hmm...I have been wanting to go see the digs at the Isle of Wight.

Joey: Isle of Wight? Yeah, that's a good one Ross.

Ross: No, it really does exist.

Joey: Yeah, sure it does. [Joey winks]

Ross: O...Kay...So, what have you two done today? Anything productive?

Chandler: Well, we were meant to do something but we couldn't remember what.

Joey: Yeah, so we just watched TV instead. Not one of the hot women took off their clothes though.

Ross: What about her?

[Ross pointed to the TV]

[Chandler and Joey turn round but just miss the naked lady shot]

Joey: Aww...come on!


	5. Squirrels And What You Are Legally Allow...

**Chapter Five - Squirrels And What You Are Legally Allowed To Do To Them.**

****

[Setting: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

[Monica and Phoebe are watching television]

[Enter Chandler]

Chandler: Hi honey, I'm home!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: I think he was talking to me.

Phoebe: Man, you have a big ego. It's me, me, me, all the time with you.

Monica: Hey! That's not true. Chandler, tell her I'm not like that. Chandler, tell her!

Chandler: Yes, dear. She's not like that...not like that at all.

[Monica gives Phoebe a 'told you so' look]

Chandler: So, what's with the nice china?

Monica: We're playing Poker tonight, don't you remember?

Chandler: Poker? Hmm...that's reminds me of something...

Monica: You were supposed to bring some dip.

Chandler: Nope, it's not that.

Monica: So you have the dip?

Chandler: Don't be ridiculous. 

[Monica gives Chandler a stern look]

Chandler: You're not being ridiculous. I have no dip, please don't kill me.

Monica: You're lucky I got some myself.

Phoebe: Man, could you two _be more married._

Chandler: ...No.

Phoebe: Oh, well, good.

[Enter Joey]

[Joey goes to the fridge, opens it and starts to remove food]

[He closes the fridge door to find everyone looking at him]

Joey: What? Am I not allowed to eat your food?

Monica: Remember Poker?  Tonight?

Chandler: And when did we ever give you permission to eat our food?

Joey: The moment you left your fridge unguarded.

Monica: I told you!

Chandler: Joey forgot the poker night.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Hey, it's not my fault.

Chandler: Yes, it is.

Joey: Yeah, but it doesn't feel like it is.

Chandler: Same here.

Joey: You forgot Poker night too?

Chandler: And the dip.

Joey: There's dip?

Chandler: I just said I forgot it. Didn't you hear that?

Joey: I just hear the word dip...So, wait, there's no dip?

Monica: Yes, but you have to wait until Poker night starts.

Joey: Poker night?

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: What? What is it?

Phoebe: [Pointing at the television] That guy just wrestled a crocodile to the ground.

[Enter Ross and Rachel]

Ross: And the doctor said it would be fine...Oh, hi guys.

Rachel: Hey, what's with the nice china?

Chandler: Poker night.

Rachel: Poker night?

Monica: What is up with you people? Can you not remember one simple little thing?

Ross: I bought dip.

Monica: Thank you, Ross. At least I can count on my brother.

Ross: Oh, wait, I left it in the apartment.

Chandler: Ha! ...I shouldn't have done that.

Joey: Can I eat yet?

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it again!

Monica: That's it! [Turns off the television] Everyone sit down and let get this Poker night started! Sit! Sit!

Joey: Man, she really likes Poker.

[They all sit down]

Phoebe: Err...Monica? 

Monica: Yeah?

Phoebe: You know that thing...

Monica: Thing?

Phoebe: _That thing._

Monica: Oh, yeah. _That thing. What about it?_

Phoebe: I don't think it worked.

Monica: Why do you think that?

[Phoebe stands up and the chair is attached to her]

Monica: Oh, crap.

Chandler: That's what I forgot!


End file.
